‘I think my partner’s a narcissist’ - news.com.au

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a woman who thinks her partner is a narcissist.

QUESTION: My partner and I are together but I think we hate each other – I think he’s a narcissist and he says the same about me. His narcissistic tendencies involve saying nasty things about me and then telling me “it’s just a joke” when I get upset, and taking loads of time for himself without thinking about how I’m doing. I have a child from a previous marriage and he also seems to hate him, which makes life unbearable. When we first got together he seemed obsessed with me but now that has just faded away to contempt. Is our relationship salvageable?

ANSWER: I’m sorry your relationship has reached such a difficult point. No one enters a relationship with the intention of it ending this way.

I can’t tell if either of you are ‘narcissists’ from what you’ve said. But I can hear a lot of damaging interactions between you.

Healthy relationships need love and the right tools

Many relationships begin with the happiness you describe. We can assume they’ll remain as happy and strong as they initially feel. Unfortunately, many don’t.

Thriving relationships need the right tools. We need to treat each other with love and respect, manage conflict well and take small actions continuously that strengthen the relationship.

Unfortunately, without the right tools, relationships become disconnected and conflict builds.

Without the right relationship tools, we can damage the relationship

In his almost 50 years of research into happy and unhappy relationships, Dr John Gottman found four communication styles that can predict the outcome of a relationship with over 90 per cent accuracy.

These communication styles are:

• Criticism – attacking a partner’s character or actions

• Defensiveness – justification, denial or a counter attack

• Stonewalling – leaving a difficult conversation physically or emotionally

• Contempt – name-calling, mean humour and being nasty with each other

We don’t use these communication styles to cause harm. We use them because we’re trying to be heard in a relationship and haven’t learned better tools yet.

Contempt is damaging and the biggest predictor of separation

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of separation in a relationship. It occurs when conflict and disconnection have been building for some time.

Contempt then further erodes your trust and connection.

Your relationship has reached a point where contempt is present for both of you. However, it’s not impossible to recover from.

You need new tools for your relationship

Each of those damaging Four Horsemen have ‘antidotes’, alternatives that build connection rather than divide.

There are other additional tools that can strengthen your relationship when implemented in the right way. Although sharing them is beyond what I can do here, know that they’re out there.

If your relationship is to have any chance, you need to take action

I don’t know if your relationship is salvageable. But what I can tell you is, the interactions you’re describing are highly predictive of separation. If you don’t take some kind of definitive action on this, the discord between you is likely to get worse until one or both of you decide it’s over.

I can also tell you that as a therapist, I’ve seen couples in deep distress recover to have a satisfying relationship again. If your relationship is to stand any chance, I highly recommend seeing a well qualified and experienced therapist together.

Therapy can give you new relationship skills

You’ve been doing the best with the tools you have. Improving your relationship will require more than just wanting it to be better.

You’ll need to learn new ways of interacting with each other, learn better ways of communicating, especially during conflict and work together to heal from the hurt you’ve caused each other.

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All of this is almost impossible to do alone, but good therapy has a high success rate.

I can’t guarantee that therapy will be a success. But I can guarantee that at the end of it, you’ll know that you’ve done everything possible to try to make it work. You’ll also have new skills and awareness to take into your next relationship.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email relationship.rehab@news.com.au

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2023-11-26 08:28:38Z
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